eBrizz

Note to my newspaper: Please move Paul Krugman's column to the comics page where it belongs.

Also, you might as well move Doonesbury to the obituary page.

So it's been 42 years since the United States made the huge blunder of landing on the moon. Easily the dumbest thing we ever did because it just gave fuel to every do-gooder, progressive and loon. If we can put a man on the moon then why can't we have universal healthcare? If we can put a man on the moon then why can't we feed everyone in the world? If we can put a man on the moon then why can't we build high-speed rail? If we can put a man on the moon then why can't we ever find a freestanding Chick-fil-A?

Let me start by saying that I love the oil companies. They go into crazy, dirty countries and deal with crazy, dirty people. They drill huge wells, put the oil into tankers, ship it here, refine it into gasoline, load the gas into tankers and deliver it to my neighborhood for my convenience.

Congress has been grilling the oil companies over high prices while the president has been blaming “speculators.” Both viewpoints are incorrect.

The price of gasoline in 1964 was $0.30 per gallon BUT back then our money was backed by silver or gold. Coins back then were 90% silver as opposed to today’s coins which are 100% crap. So in 1964 you could buy a gallon of gas for three dimes or about 1/3 ounce of silver.

As I write this (which is right after the recent correction), the price of silver is about $36 an ounce and the price of gasoline is about $4.00 per gallon. Roughly, that means 1/3 ounce of silver will buy more than TWO gallons of gasoline today. In other words, in real terms, gasoline is far cheaper now than it was in 1964.

Lay off the oil companies. The real culprits here are the Fed and the federal government inflating and destroying our currency.

The other night I watched a show about the greatest movies of all time as voted on by simians. Gone With the Wind was voted the best picture with The Godfather in second place. Fletch was a better movie than either of those two. Casablanca (which should have won) was third. They also had a category for best screen kiss and the top spot went to Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh in GWTW. What a load of crap.

Didn't any of the voters see A Mighty Wind?

In the SOTU address, I see that the parsdent is still pushing his insane high-speed rail idea. First, since this is a government undertaking, you may reliably take whatever they project the construction cost to be and double it. And with high probability, you can triple it. And I'll put even money on quadrupling it.

Second, a little simple math (all I'm capable of) shows the flaw in using trains to transport passengers: Assume the train carries 1000 passengers who each weigh 200 pounds. All of that weight can be carried on ONE flatbed rail car. From that we may assume that freight trains are very efficient and passenger trains are just plain stupid.

Finally, fully aware of the inefficiencies, proponents believe that a passenger rail system is cost effective if 25% of its operating costs come from fares. In other words, after shelling out huge sums of money to build this turkey, the taxpayers will be on the hook for paying 75% of the operating costs - FOREVER.

2010

So President Obama's Science Advisor John Holdren now says we should start calling global warming "global climate disruption" instead. Back in the 70's he told us we were heading for a new ice age but when that didn't happen he changed it to global warming. Now that people are no longer buying the warming story, he wants to change it to something else - something with a really scary name.

In a related story, the producers of high-fructose corn syrup want to change the name of their product to "corn sugar." Turns out that HFCS, being linked to diabetes, obesity and a host of other diseases, now has a bad reputation. So instead of taking this poison off the market, they too just want to change the name.

The one thing these stories have in common? These people think you're stupid.

Let's get this straight: Petulant flight attendant boy is a narcissist who doesn't care whether he causes his passengers to miss their connections or be late for their appointments. Nor does he care about the cost, not only of replacing the emergency slide, but of taking the plane out of service for an unplanned maintenance.

So stop calling this detritus a hero - he belongs in prison and five years sounds just about right.

A lot of people (mostly Democrats) have been impugning the intelligence of Alvin Greene, the newly-nominated Senate candidate from South Carolina. I'm not exactly sure why except for the fact that he talks very slowly and doesn't seem to understand much about politics. But you could give him a frontal lobotomy, sever his corpus callosum and hit him in the head with a hammer and he'd still be smarter than Maxine Waters.

A picture of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan playing softball, which was recently published in the Wall Street Journal, is causing a small uproar among the overly-sensitive. Apparently, if you show a picture of a woman playing softball it means you're implying she's lesbian. Who knew? But back in 2000 we sure saw this photo a lot:

I guess Bush is a lesbian too.

So President Obama criticized the new Arizona immigration law and said, "But now suddenly if you don’t have your papers and you took your kid out to get ice cream, you’re going to be harassed, that’s something that could potentially happen." I can certainly empathize with Latinos fearing they will be harassed by the government because of their race.

That's because it has happened to me - just this past week - when a surly census taker came to my door demanding to know my race. I explained to him that I had sent in the form with the information the government had a right to know, namely, how many people are living in the house. He didn't seem to care much for that answer. After arguing for a few minutes and trying to intimidate with the threat of a fine, he snottily said "I'll go ask your neighbors" and he turned and walked away. I'm guessing that after trying to get my neighbors to rat on me, the little snipe invaded Poland.

So, Mr. President, how about showing as much concern for the rights and privacy of U.S. citizens as you show for those here illegally?

That's a nasty oil spill in the gulf. Too bad BP didn't buy oil spill credits.

So new reports are coming out that say Vitamin D can be effective in preventing and even reversing cancer. This is on top of the research that shows how useful it is in battling or preventing MS, ALS, strokes, heart disease, osteoporosis, flu, the common cold and a host of other diseases and ailments.

So why are we so deficient in Vitamin D all of a sudden? Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's because for the last forty years, so-called "experts" have told us to avoid the two most natural sources of Vitamin D: sunlight and saturated fat.

Idiots.

We had an injured sea lion out in San Francisco Bay and he kept eluding rescuers. When they finally caught him, a local news anchor reported that "They decided to name him Abagnale after the character played by Leo DiCaprio in the film 'Catch Me If You Can.'" Really? That's like saying they named him Abraham Lincoln after a character played by Raymond Massey in "How The West Was Won."

So our local news media is rejoicing that finally the steel structures for the new Bay Bridge are arriving from China. Not a hint of concern nor even a small flash of recognition that this great American bridge is being built overseas.

Meanwhile, there are lots of old men sitting on park benches in Pittsburgh, bragging about how much money they used to make before their union priced them all out of work and bankrupted their companies.

2009

So Nancy Pelosi was asked, “When we capture Bin Laden, should he be told he has the right to remain silent and given a lawyer?” Pelosi replied: “Well, let’s see, how many years has it been? Nine, eight years? Let’s worry about capturing Bin Laden and not worry about your question.”

Let's not worry about your question? Okay, boys and girls, close your eyes and go into your space. Take a deep breath. Now imagine the media orgy if that doltish, dismissive answer had been given by Sarah Palin.

Namaste.

Today it was announced that California has requested $4.7 billion in federal funds to build a high-speed rail system. The State claims this will create 130,000 jobs. Listen carefully: There's a huge difference between "job creation" and "wealth creation." Since high-speed rail (like every passenger train in the world) is totally inefficient, it will forever be a drain on the taxpayers, thus this so-called job creation will end up destroying wealth. At best, fares will make up about 25% of the operating costs which means the rest will be paid, in perpetuity, by the already over-burdened taxpayers.

To summarize: A state that is bankrupt has requested a massive amount of money from a country that is bankrupt so it can build a useless project that will waste more massive amounts of money. Class dismissed.

So according to AP, imprisoned director Roman Polanski is in a “fighting mood” and will battle U.S. attempts to have him extradited from Switzerland. Fighting mood, huh? Just give the pervert some champagne and Quaaludes and take him by force.

And speaking of show business idiots, tonight Bill Maher was sharing his infinite wisdom with us ignorant peons about government health care. He said, "Why are we the only country in the world that profits from people being sick? That's what this is really about - people are sick and that's one-sixth of our economy."

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that doctors and medical researchers should be forced to work for nothing but we should continue to give millions of dollars to third-rate comedians for it is they who are the noble and valuable.

The U.S. Department of Justice is now looking at the exclusive agreements many phone manufacturers have with cellular companies - the most notable being Apple and AT&T. Apparently the government believes these agreements could be a violation of antitrust laws, and don't get me started on those. I don't want to give these meddling bureaucrats any ideas but have you ever been in a movie theater that sold both Coke and Pepsi? I didn't think so. That's because they have contracts that offer huge discounts if the theater only sells one product and excludes the other. And if you believe that exclusive contracts are indeed wrong, then I'll assume I can sleep with your wife.

So why are the right-wing freaks making such a big deal about Barbara Boxer asking a General to call her "Senator"? The statements castigating her range from calling her remarks condescending and disrespectful to one pundit saying she "flew off the handle." None of that is true. Her request was polite and reasonable and certainly within her rights. Don't we have more pressing issues?

Is there any limit to the arrogant power grab in Washington, D.C.? The federal government just announced pollution and fuel standards for new cars. I guess that means they'll have to follow their own orders since they've also taken control of General Motors and Chrysler. And they're also running brokerage houses, banks and insurance companies not to mention a national railroad, a huge retirement plan and a health system for the elderly. The latter being so inefficient and fraud-ridden, they now want to expand the program to all Americans, whether we want it or not. The government has over $100 trillion in unfunded liabilities and is several trillion in debt to other countries with no prospect for paying for any of these things.

It's time to admit that the federal government is nothing more than a crazy old cat lady, taking in more and more stray cats she can no longer care for. The cats are mangy, sick and underfed and are now overrunning the house. There's cat poop everywhere and the stench is unbelievable. And the old lady is now lying on the couch, starving to death while muttering to herself about how wonderful she is for "saving" all these cats. Not long from now, she will pass out in a stupor and her beloved cats will start feasting on what's left of her emaciated body until there is nothing left but her bones.

Don't bother phoning the authorities - there will be no one left to answer the call.

So now the Parsdent wants to build high-speed rail systems around the country. As a matter of fact, he says we can't wait. Seems the best way to get out from under $115 trillion in debt is to spend even more trillions on something nobody needs nor wants. Let me make some predictions: Whatever the government says the cost will be, you can reliably double it. They'll tell you how efficient passenger trains are all the while raising income taxes, property taxes, gasoline taxes and sales taxes to pay for and maintain their pet project. And, of course, when nobody rides the stupid thing, their excuse will be that they just didn't do it big enough.

Here's what I wrote back in 2002 when I was a lot smarter:

Voters in the Socialist Democracy of California have voted a gazillion dollars to bolster up their aging rapid transit system (BART). Passenger trains cost a fortune to build, always run at a loss and will continue to suck the money out of taxpayers' wallets forever. The passenger train is dead because the airplane and the automobile have been invented. Passenger trains are so inefficient by comparison, their operation must be constantly subsidized (usually by the more efficient automobile). This explains why gasoline is $6 a gallon in Europe. Remember that when someone tells you how wonderful the European rail system is.

Now these socialist idiots are proposing a "high-speed" rail system between S.F. and L.A. So why are socialists so enamored of trains? I think they don't like the trains nearly as much as they like the tracks. The tracks allow them to control where people go. This helps to explain why they hate cars and REALLY hate off-road SUVs.

You gotta hear Doyle and Debbie before you die. And the good news is that if you don't live in Nashville, you can hear them on their website or see them on YouTube. Just be forewarned: Doyle and Debbie reside in a preternatural vortex of musical comedy. It's an intersection where Lennon and McCartney meet Homer and Jethro - Where Cole Porter meets Ray Stevens - And where sanity is savagely beaten and left for dead with its entrails ceremoniously stuffed in its mouth.

So U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called the United States a "deadbeat donor" because apparently we're a billion dollars behind in the "dues" we pay this bloodsucking, incompetent organization. Really? Is that what's bothering you, Ban Ki? Just be glad I'm not president cuz the first thing I'd do is give those bureaucrats 48 hours to leave the country and then I'd sell the U.N. building to private developers to be turned into condos.

When was the last time you heard anyone say "It's a free country"?

So today the president signed The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, otherwise known as equal pay for equal work. This is based on the laughable, post-modernist dog-poop belief that for every dollar a man makes, a women makes only 78 cents for doing the exact same work. There are many reasons women may be paid less:

Maternity leave - women will typically take several months off to have a child.

Child care - women are much less likely than men to work overtime, citing the need to get home to be with the kids.

Confidence - I'll bet that women are more willing to accept a lower offer when negotiating salary. This is probably due just as much to men's propensity toward inflating their own worth as a woman's propensity to underestimate her own worth.*

Of course, the basis for this law is the despicable left-wing desire to deny individual rights by putting people into groups. Thus, if your title is Staff Analyst or IT Manager, it matters not how well you do your job - the sole criterion for assessing your salary is your title. Seniority, experience, and job performance count for nothing.

I realize you can argue with what I've written so far but one fact is inescapable: If women really did the exact same work for 22% less, men would be unemployable. What business would hire a man when they could get a woman to do the exact same job more cheaply?

The result of this disastrous legislation is that businesses will be saddled with onerous requirements to document and justify every salary administration decision. And, of course, the number of frivolous lawsuits will dramatically increase. Just what we need in a collapsing economy.

* I realize these are all generalizations so don't write telling me I'm a pig.

Notes from the kakistocracy: 60 Minutes does a piece on Barney Frank and calls him the smartest man in congress and somehow never mentions his role in stonewalling the Bush administration's attempts to rein in Fannie Mae. The media keeps comparing Barack Obama to FDR (for some reason they think that's good) without ever once noticing that the country is in massive debt as it struggles to pay for all the stupid programs put in place by FDR. Caroline Kennedy doesn't think she should have to be vetted by the people or have to put up with the drudgery of actually getting elected (or qualified for that matter). Here's a woman who's trying to use her family name and influence to get unearned power while Rod Blagojevich is being vilified for being on the other side of the same coin. Bernard Madoff was arrested for running a Ponzi scheme but yet the people running the Social Security Administration are walking around free. It's almost as asinine as the government outlawing gambling while running a lottery. Or the fact that the last three presidents have all admitted to recreational drug use and yet the War on Drugs continues. And worse, if you played by the traditional rules, worked hard and saved your money, what you've earned is now being taken from you and turned over to the gamblers, losers and thieves. From each according to his abilities...

Obviously, logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead. We have so many laws that no one knows what they say. It used to be said that ignorance of the law is no excuse but we now live in a country where the people passing the laws haven't even read them much less understand them. People are losing their moral compass and, when caught doing something clearly immoral, will tell you they "didn't do anything illegal." Thus, the law is abrogating morality and, sadly, the laws are now being written by the most corrupt, ignorant people we have. Say goodnight, Gracie.